mustard gas, dead weeds, and russian spies.

random adventure in my life today:

so i had just washed my hair and i was putting some mousse in it. as usual, my unruly mane and split ends were not cooperating. "fine. i will just hide you away with a headband," i said to my hair. my hair trembled with the thought of not being able to cramp my style anymore, but despite the pitiful pleas, i reached for the headband drawer. apparently everything had been stuffed in that cabinet a little too haphazardly last time, and when i opened it, hairbrushes, headbands, and hairspray came tumbling out. i surveyed the damage, and noticed a hissing sound. one of the cans of hairspray had apparently landed on end, jamming the nozzle into the can, thereby causing it to spray. nonstop. doesn't seem like that big of a deal, right? just set it in the sink or throw it away or something. but it was an almost full can, so it kept going. i tried to aim it into the sink, but the mist was going everywhere, filling my lungs with yucky hairsprayness. as the bathroom began to fill up with the poisonous mustard gas (that makes it sound more exciting), i began to frantically think of other options. i couldn't just throw it in the trash can, because then it would fill up the flimsy little trash bag with liquid (and that's no fun to clean up).  so i made a break for the outdoors, the wild blue yonder, the fresh air. i scampered through the living room, tripped over chuckie, and tried to cover the fire-spitting nozzle with my bare fingers (resulting in stickyness dripping all down my hand and arm. i mean fiery mustard gas, not stickyness.) my efforts led only to me breaking off the nozzle completely, causing the mustard gas to shoot straight up instead of sideways. i glowered at my hair. "this is all your fault," i proclaimed. "well, i might as well put it to use," i thought. so i flipped my hair upside down and tried further to put my hair in its place. so what now? i was standing outside, polluting the atmosphere with noxious fumes, and still filling my lungs with the gas. i was spraying it at the grass, and then realized that maybe the grass didn't look favorably upon being watered with mustard gas. so i decided to use the weapon for my own purposes. perhaps it would work as a weed or bug killer. i walked to the side of the house and began dousing the edge of the house. so there i was, walking back and forth along the side of my house, covering my nose with my t-shirt, spraying mustard gas on the weeds and ant piles. and then out walks my neighbor. he cocks his head a little, and asks, "umm, did you lose something?" "ummm, no, i, uh, dropped a can of hairspray?" i'm sure that clarified everything. and then i continued spraying for the next ten minutes or so. what a grand day. 

so now i have no hairspray, a neighbor who thinks i'm crazy, and hopefully no weeds. :)